Order of the New Marauders
by Your Humble Narrator Drewgie
Summary: If Severus and Sirius didn't hate each other, I'd say they'd be the greatest wizarding comedic duo EVER! Not Slash, I don't like that stuff. Dumbledore, Remus, Bellatrix, and the Doof who lived too! Lots of irreverent humor... As you'd expect from me!
1. Is this guy drunk?

The New Marauders: THE BEGINNING!

By Your Humble Narrator Drewg Obviously, a tribute to the greatest movie EVER!

Disclaimer: I OWN JACK FUCKING SHIT… But I drink a lot of Jack Daniel's, making it MUCH easier to say FUCK YOU COPYRIGHTS! I'm writing my OWN fucking story! Seeing as how this fic also makes fun of plenty movies, I might as well disclaim that a lot of these plots are "Borrowed" From Hollywood! FINALLY, I make fun of other fics… ESPECIALLY ones that I enjoy. Like my friends say at work: If we don't rag on you, it's because we don't like you! And don't worry, I WILL give you credit! And expect some OOCness.

Nods go to Potter Puppet Pals and Euro Trip… If you've seen the skits/movie, you'll see why!

I haven't written on this site for FOUR FUCKING YEARS… All my fics were deleted, and I gave up trying to claw my way past the fucking BULLSHIT! But then I started reading Harry Potter and figured out what would be awesome: If the 2 characters that best described my personality stopped fighting and started getting along…

Oh, this is NOT a Slash fic, but does indeed go borderline "Bro-Mance" (Watch Superbad for details)… Oh, and Dumbledore's gay, but he's straight in this story, although a little Metro in some chapters. I thought I'd give a little bit of a middle finger to Miss Rowling herself for turning one of my favorite characters Who ironically resembles my dad into a homosexual.

Chapter 1: Habu Sake

"Albus!" The cry was loud and obnoxious, the nature of a certain Prisoner of Azkaban… "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Oh Sirius… I was just about to…" But the Headmaster was quickly interrupted.

"I SAW that fucking 'Half Blood Prick' put snake venom into that potion you're about to drink! Do you have a fucking death wish or something?" Sirius asked, forgetting that Albus Dumbledore knows Severus Snape like the back of his hand. But Dumbledore remained calm, despite the "impending death" implied by Sirius. Unlike his accomplice, Dumbledore has some sort of faith in our favorite "Potion's Master".

"Sirius, relax. First off, this isn't a potion…" but again, Sirius didn't let Dumbledore finish.

"So why the fuck was he adding a counter-clockwise stir for every 3rd clockwise stir like he does for his POTIONS?"

"Because, O' Prison Bitch of Azkaban, I stir everything like that. Martinis, pudding, cookie dough, polyjuice potion… EVERYTHING!" The unmistakable Snape voice echoed off the kitchen walls as the author's favorite character walked out wearing an apron that said "Kiss the Potion's Master".

"And furthermore Sirius, I am well aware of the fact that Severus put snake venom into the drink." Dumbledore added in a reassuring tone.

"Wow… You really DO have a death wish" said Sirius, wondering what happened to Dumbledore to make him so retarded. Ever since Snape was pulled into the Order of the Phoenix, Snape and himself have given each other the evil eye. It was very clear they didn't like each other.

"He would have a death wish if he drinks more than 3 shots of this in one sitting Sirius." said Snape. "What he's about to drink is actually consumed by muggles in Japan."

"That is correct Severus." Dumbledore added before downing the shot in front of him that Sirius had previously tried to stop him from drinking.

"Sirius Black, I give you Habu Sake… a combination of venom from the Habu Viper and rice whiskey indigenous to the island of Okinawa in Japan." said Snape with his chest out in pride. "Sometimes, they actually put the fucking snake into the jar itself to enhance the experience. But everyone knows the Japanese are a little eccentric."

"Even so Snivelus, how do I know you won't make me drink it to kill me?" Sirius asked with a harsh tone of voice.

"Bottoms up!" Severus replied before lifting a shot glass to his own lips. He pounded the shot back with a ferocity to demonstrate to Sirius his own fearlessness.

"Touché… Douchebag!" After making the exclamation and insult, Sirius accepted a shot glass from Severus. "You're kind of quiet Albus…" Sirius said to Albus before knocking his shot back. "So… What happens now?"

"We wait." proclaimed Albus. "They call this the Rattlesnake because it'll get you when you least expect it. Personally, I'm feeling nothing. What about you Sirius?"

"Other than discovering the grease in Severus' hair, I don't feel much of anything. What about you Severus?"

"I feel nothing. What about you Steve?" Severus asked to his right shoulder, where in his mind, a miniaturized Stone Cold Steve Austin stood. The Mini Austin looked back at Severus with his Rattlesnake Glare.

"I feel nothing right now! This Habu Sake is Bullshit! All who agree with Stone Cold Steve Austin, GIMME A HELL YEAH!" Apparently though, Severus wasn't the only one who saw Stone Cold, because Sirius and Albus joined in.

"HELL YEAH!"

"WHAT?"

"HELL YEAH!"

"WHAT?"

"HELL YEAH!"

"And that's the bottom line, cuz Albus Dumbledore, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and Stone Cold Said so!"

Somehow, the Austin copy flew away, but Albus felt that he had to interject his own opinion.

"You know… Right about now, in another world, I'd proclaim this 'NAKED TIME'"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Yelled Sirius. "KEEP YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON!"

"Fuckin' right, I'm sure the sight of your balls would kill us faster than a goddamn Avada Kadavra." Added Severus in his trademark Snape voice, but Sirius looked back at Severus with a look of surprise.

"Holy shit Severus… Got enough grease in your hair?"

"There's fucking grease in my hair? GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!" Severus went into a fit of paranoia after the discovery of grease in his hair. Truth will be revealed about his hair and Sirius' hair in a later chapter… But right now, Dumbledore was laughing just as loudly.

"DIZZAMN! We need to go OUT guys!" said Albus in a shocked tone of voice.

"Eh, might as well…" said Sirius. "I'm out of smokes anyway."

"That's a bad habit dude! If it weren't for that douche Lord What's-His-Fuck, the cigarettes would have killed Lily" said Severus in rebuttal.

"You're still obsessed over her?" said Albus?

"DUDE! If I wasn't, would I be here? NO! I'd be in Azkaban in a nice cell right next to Doggy Bag's creepy cousin." said Severus, coming up with a new name for Sirius.

"Holy shit Severus… did you just call me Doggy Bag?" said Sirius, impressed at Severus' ability to come up with a name. "Anyway, are we gonna go, or am I gonna go crazy from this lack of nicotine?"

"We shall go… once we sober up… I can barely stand." said Albus, indeed confirming that the liquor was indeed getting to him. "Oh, and for the record, I think that your cousin is hot Sirius. That's just me though."

"Dude, I thought you were gay!" said Sirius in reply to Dumbledore hitting on his cousin.

"I could say the same for you two." replied Dumbledore.

"Albus, if I were gay, would my Patronus charm be a doe like Lily's?"

"Dude, a Doe is a deer… A female Deer" Said Sirius in reply to Severus' excuse.

"Yeah, but it's also Lily's Patronus" said Severus defending himself. "I made it so because I love her…"

"Severus, it hurts me just as much as you to say this, and remember, I was also a friend of James, but in the words of the Stormtroopers of Death, 'SHE'S DEAD!'"

"NOT TO ME! Even if I DID bone your creepy cousin…" Severus knew he was caught. Sirius and Albus looked at him in worry. Severus looked around warily. "Shit!"

--

How was that? Did it suck as bad as I thought it did?

Sorry Tim Burton, but your girlfriend IS hot, and we can joke about how hot she is if we want!


	2. Who writes this shit?

The New Marauders: The beginning!

By Your Humble Narrator Drewgie…

FINALLY! A positive review from someone as drunk as I am…

BY THE WAY… A new direction has been found in this story.

Disclaimer: I own Jack Shit from the Harry Potter Franchise, and I finished all my Jack Daniel's, which sucks ass, but I got enough Newcastle to get me drunk enough to continue this story.

We left off with a cliffhanger last chapter, but that's because I couldn't come up with anything else… UNTIL NOW

Finally, the running joke throughout this story has a certain "D" word said at least once in every chapter, as this story was originally going to be called "Order of the Douchebags". And the title changes to something else that begins with D and kind of relates to the chapter.

This story is random and somewhat OOC, so once again, YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING WARNED!

Chapter 2:

"WAIT!" said our favorite canine Animagus. "What the fuck did you say about my creepy cousin?"

"… Um… How about those cigarettes Sirius?" said Severus, trying to steer the conversation elsewhere besides a certain messy haired Death Eater.

"Severus, do I need to break into your stash of Levitaserum? Because I could have SWORN on my pet flaming birdie thingie that I heard you say something about intercourse with Bellatrix LeStrange."

"Um… No you didn't! You're getting old, and your hearing is going." said Severus again, trying to cover his tracks once again, but we all know he's as good as fucked from this point.

"Dude, if you porked my cousin Severus, I won't be offended! I mean, she IS kinda good looking… Not like I'd go into our little known family tradition of incest, or Blackcest as some call it, which by the way is a BIG fucking reason I disowned them, but I would say that Bella is kinda hot." Sirius stated, proving supportive of Snape.

Dumbledore just smiled sheepishly and looked up. "Well, I feel my work here is done you two."

The other two Order members just looked at him in question. Severus stepped forward. "Pardon me, Albus?"

"You see Severus, since Pettigrew's discovery last year in the hedge maze, I've decided that I don't care WHAT the ministry is thinking. I feel that it's appropriate that Sirius gets a job here at Hogwarts as the new Transfiguration teacher. You see, I plan on retiring sometime this year and giving my position as Headmaster to Minerva. At the same time, I name Sirius as the head of Gryffindor house. And furthermore, I believe it is ALSO appropriate that you two room together. Now if you'll excuse me, Fawkes flew into my quarters with a whole box of Skittles, and I'd feel like a douche if I had neglected them any longer. Good day gentlemen!" At this moment, Dumbledore walked out of Severus Snape's quarters and headed outside. The two slack jawed drunks sobered up quickly and looked at each other in anger.

"You tricked me again Sirius, you fucking bastard!"

"DUDE! I don't like this ANY MORE than you do! Besides, if I would have tricked you, I would have brought in Remus as well!"

"… Well said. But I still don't like this!" said Severus, turning away from Sirius.

"And just like that, I just quit smoking!" added Sirius, turning around just as abruptly. Suddenly, the door opened. Both men turned towards the entrance. A certain mustached werewolf with some rather tattered clothes walked in slowly.

"Hey, we were just talking about you Remus" said Severus dryly. The last thing he needed in the room was another one of THEM!

"Hey fellas! Hear the news? Headmaster McGonagall wants me to resume my position as Defense against the Dark Arts Teacher… And I'm rooming with you guys too! Mostly because Potion boy over here has the stash of Wolfsbane!" said Remus with a hint of excitement. Someone was in a good mood when clearly, they shouldn't be. "Whoa, why the long faces?"

"Because I have an escaped convict and a werewolf as roommates" said Severus with a huge hint of disappointment. "Neither of which I can stand in the least!"

"And because I'm rooming with an honest to Allah Death Eater Al Qaeda terrorist FUCK!" said Sirius. "WHOA! That Habu Sake is helping me come up with some pretty good insults!"

"Yeah, except for 3 things: We're both British, I'm NOT Al Qaeda, and it's the fucking 90s! There's no Al Qaeda threat yet!" said Severus, correcting Sirius and effectively breaking the almost nonexistent fourth wall.

"How do I know you're British, not Al Qaeda, and that there's no Al Qaeda plotting right now?" said Sirius, breaking the fourth wall even further. Remus couldn't help but go up to them both and slap them both in the face before shouting at them.

"LISTEN! We shouldn't be fighting! We're supposed to be roommates. Albus put us together for a reason!" said Remus with a good deal of frustration in his voice. "Shouldn't we be learning why?"

"Well, maybe it might work out! Me and Tampon-Foot have something we BOTH can agree on." Said Severus "THIS IS A BAD FUCKING IDEA!"

Remus nodded his head at the statement. It was slow progress, but it was better than nothing. "So… Who wants to look at Boggarts?" Severus and Sirius looked at each other, shrugged, and followed Remus. Things are starting to look up for them, but then Severus realized something.

"Wait… Why do WE have to look at Boggarts? We're not Students!"

"Honesty Greasemonkey, do we have anything better to do?" asked Sirius. Severus could not bring himself to respond to the statement.

And thus ends this chapter. Next chapter, we see their greatest fears, and how it could possibly benefit them! I'd like to thank my SINGLE positive reviewer! You're the fucking tits!

Also, noticed a name change? You should: because "THIS IS REALLY GONNA HAPPEN! You see, the key word here is… Organization." A Snicker-doodle cookie from my mom to whomever can guess that quote!

Review, and no cowardly anonymous flames! Give me the common courtesy of letting me insult your fics too!


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